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sweaty head frame
no ambitious drive
my drive comes from something inside
that declares I have or can find my inner PEACE
that INNER PEACE is worth my work
My countless hours studying
My efforts toward surviving
not flourishing, not thriving (although I should thrive)
Not seeking an inconclusive comfort
but merely knowing I CAN BE OK
despite my anger, pain, discontent rousing inside
forming through from the direction of all my life
My historical overview
The collective memories of Author D
knowing that once I felt a mourning for
the absence in my life
My childhood renovates
my adulthood affairs
My reactions are always derived
due to some past experience
Already lived -ROTTING within me
I take myself into a more complicated struggle
because--hell--life is just too easy without
that struggle, piercing beneath me
Piercing its uninvited pangs of sharpness
profoundly stinging me
Making me what I have become
An empty hollow shell
with someone inside struggling
to break back through to my surface
Where perhaps someone may catch a
glimpse of who I REALLY AM!
A womyn with brown eyes and skin,
aged scars from within
stretched through to my outside exterior
The stretch marks that agree I once gave birth
somewhere under some circumstances
other scars, debris,
that prove I once inflicted pain upon myself,
I once scraped my knee
riding my bike as fast as I could
rushing home so that I could get there
before my mother got there
A chipped tooth root canal
broke-off out of my mouth
on a chew of raisin bran cereal
A woman with dark-medium brown hair
with spectacles and bronzer over my cheeks
sun spotted freckles around my eyes over my nose
that seems Afro-Latina but nobody knows
An unknown history --taken
stripped away from me
A woman who is now here
After a history of colonization
constant migration
and commercialization
for only one nation
to rise
Meanwhile, all those other nations
without the slightest notion of what
it might be like
Given the opportunity
to have become a nation with promise
to flourish and give its citizens
comfort
Inconclusively
some comfort
that agrees, INNER PEACE CAN BE FOUND!
NO! Apparently, those colonized nations
beneath that one nation,
are not worth, the having , or the keeping of ambition
An ambition with a preconceived corrupt manifestation
Let's continue migration because commercialization
is the mark of one nation's freedom and promise,
The Free Market that derives from one nation's comfort,
How can I want to be ambitious?
When I don't feel the free market will stop this manifestation,
of constant migration
The supply and demand of one nation RUES
and I am an American woman that can know PEACE?!
But despite this clarity, this woman, this me,
others think of as a case to need charity
So, I struggle without ambition
I study with a heavy heart for countless hours
to fulfill my own determination
because two generations ago,
those very migrations, made my very existence possible
Guilds traveled,
at different times, on different days, for different reasons,
but with the same tenacity that led them here,
to make an American woman with brown eyes, skin, and hair
that would someday have no ambition except to find
her PEACE inside, after a historical divide between a faded nation
into a diaspora within a new nation
one day dependent on the dismantled nations beneath it
to sustain its inner workings
Colonial migratory industry
human enterprise
And here I am with the same freedoms given to
one nation but doing nothing more
(due to a lack of ambitious drive) than struggling
and searching for a transformation
One day
My humane drive will find PEACE
beyond ambitious drive and I will
meet a PEACE to comfort me in knowing,
I am OK!
One day.
Deborah Leon Godinez Copyright ©2013
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